The 4 Poker Players You Absolutely Dread Playing With

Frustrated about your table and/or seating assignment? Just be thankful you don’t have to sit next to any of these people.

The chatterbox

Picture Alyson Hannigan’s character in American Pie (This one time at band camp…) and you’ll understand why the chatterbox is so annoying. It’s not that they don’t shut up, the larger problem is they drone on about anything and everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH619vxtNdo

No matter what the topic of conversation turns to they have a story, or an anecdote, or a comment to make… and they almost always have nothing to do with the actual topic.

If the chatterbox had his way the poker room wouldn’t even deal cards, it just distracts from the irresistible allure of talking to real live people!

The smelly guy

Nothing conveys the message “I’m a degenerate gambler on tilt” faster than not showering for a couple days or refusing to following societal norms when it comes to hygiene, and there is no player in all of poker that I would less like to see sidle up next to me than the “smelly guy.”

Oddly enough, the smelly guy doesn’t usually look like a smelly guy from across the room.

Sometimes it’s BO, sometimes it’s the reek of the breath, and sometimes it’s an odor of unknown origin (easily the most worrisome form the smelly guy can take) that turns your stomach.

Smelly guy = I need a seat change button dealer.

The personal space invader

Another odd creature you’ll only find in poker rooms and on airplanes is what Seinfeld would call a close-talker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGVSIkEi3mM

Like the guy in the middle seat who thinks he gets both armrests, in a poker room the people that don’t respect your personal space tend to lean too far in one direction, hog whatever precious real estate exists on a poker table, or cross one leg over their knee so the slightest movement will cause them to touch you.

The “Space Invader” also has a knack of continually encroaching on your territory, until they are almost sitting in your lap. To combat the “Space Invader” you have to stake out your territory and guard it like the pass of Thermopylae.

The legend (in their own mind)

This player comes to the table with a an attitude and a sense of entitlement that would make a cast member of the Jersey Shore blush. They are also a bit of chameleon in that they don’t fully reveal themselves until they take a bad beat at which point our microstakes hero will tell you all about his prowess and how poor of a player you are.

The Legend likes to cite noted poker players and authors as if they are best buds and talk on the regular.

The Legend will also deftly use the humblebrag, and say things like, “yeah, last week when I was talking to Daniel Negreanu on Twitter he agreed that A9 is a tough hand to play against a raise.”

The legend also likes to chat it up with other good players near them and they are prone to mumbling and critiquing everyone at the tables play just loud enough for them to hear –which is why I start purposely playing poorly if I’m sitting next to a Legend; better to lose your stack than your mind.

The only redeeming quality of “The Legend” is that despite their poker acumen they never last very long at the tables before going busto.